I hang my hands over your eyes

quoting myself

2008-12-30T18:21:40Z

"You know what i need? a good boy who won't play me.. who genuinely likes me & i genuinely like him too.. that's what i need! & we could do drugs together :) & it would be a good time for awhile, until the first hint of disaster came along, then i would gladly take it and walk away. er, well, not gladly, but.. wisely."

guess what, I did find a boy that won't play me! My boyfriend Tony, of course.. and he does genuinely like me and I genuinely like him too! and we did do drugs together for a very long time! we did a lot of E... first time we kissed and cuddled and stuff was on E.. but anyway we were doing toooo much e.. it's slowed down now, it's stopped it seems. we did shrooms together! 3 weeks ago or something, it was funny :) we always smoke weed together. but yeah, the drugs were good for awhile... i don't know where the first hint of disaster is coming, but i'm not going to take the hint, i'm going to overcome the distaster!! there will be no disasters with Tony & I, we will fix everything! overcome everything! work it out! unless it does start to go the way it did with Lyndon & I but i don't see how it could because that happened with Lyndon cause I was lying, and I don't lie to Tony ever. that's something i promised myself, to stop lying about shit. ok bye now!

hey

2008-12-30T18:11:28Z

I use my xanga journal, but still I don't update daily. I also have a paper journal that I should write in...

I have a boyfriend now! His name is Tony! I must have mentioned him before, I met him in July, I think. We met from Nexopia, he messaged me.. anndd yeah, recently whenever I think about him I get happy feelings :) We've been going out for a month and a half. He's the best boyfriend I've ever had. He's honest, talkative, funny, cute, smart... and a whole lot of other traits, but those are the things you always like in a person. OH YEAH! He's artistic!! He's awesome with drawing. I love his artwork :) The best part is that he likes me, even though he doesn't really know me that well yet. We're both just getting to know each other, we know each other well enough to like each other but now we're dating so y'know, things get deeper, we get closer, working on building a strong relationship... he's 18 by the way, 2 years older than I. He's mature, but not too mature.. just mature enough.

I haven't done ecstasy in 12 days and I haven't smoked in 9 days. Pretty good, huh! I'm trying to get healthier, and get my life back in order.. I fell behind and become a druggie. But it's all changing now! Ecstasy's too dangerous... cigarettes are just digusting.. I get nothing good out of either of them.

But I gotta go and shower now, then I'm going to go grocery shopping with my motherrr.

different journal

2008-11-13T02:05:55Z

I don't write in here very often mostly because I'm never in the mood to sit down and write big long-ass blog entries about my life anymore. Plus, I'm working now, so it takes up a lot of my time, so when I have free time, I spend it with my friends or doing other things.

I just had my 16th birthday though :D

Maybe I will write a good entry soon but for now I switched to a different journal:
www.xanga.com/hithisisjamie

BLAH

2008-08-25T04:34:49Z

i don't know where to start, i'm just writing because this is in desperate need of an update.

Tyler's gone, i miss him, he was pretty cute even though he couldn't stick to only me.
he sends me cute texts sometimeesss.. he wants me to come to Estevan on the bus though, i don't think so!
miss his blue eyes & i miss his cuddles :( but it's alright!!

met this boy named Trent, thought he was cool, had sex with him, turned out he's like Tyler & likes to get around, so i haven't had sex with him since, but i have kissed him and i do cuddle him. but he's creepy. really, he is. he's cute, buut... just, no. NO!

there is a house, it is downtown, it's where the candy kids party. and i have partied there about 3 times or 4 times. the last time was on Friday night, two nights ago, and i did E, and it was pretty awesome but it makes me very nostalgic. also, i am confused as to what happened... i think the alcohol i drank made me black out. because i don't remember going to bed, & i don't remember how my pants came off, & i don't remember like, anything really, except for telling Trent no when he tried having sex with him. but you know what? now i'm not even sure if that was Trent!! it could have been KYLE!! he gave me alcohol, and i danced with him, and like, i don't really remember what happened after that :S it's fucked up!! and i didn't know i had a hickey, but i fucking do, & i texted Trent to tell him he gave me a hickey & he's like, I did? and i said I guess so :S but what if he DIDN'T? God i'm confused! fucked up night..

& now i wanna do E again. with Carlie, though. she was f u ck e d up.

i kinda like Rhett, unsure why, i'm starting to think he's cute again, & i'm lusting after him i think... i don't know how anything could happen between us though and it would prrrobably ruin our friendship. still, i wanna take that risk.... oh boy. life is fucked up lately :S i did coke with him, it was cool but it was weirdd. the drug, i mean. things with Rhett were good. but the drug kept me up all night.

why do i have to like drugs so much :( they mix me up a lot.. but they make life better..

i got a job & i start on September 1st. i'm going to buy a webcam first. because there's this hot guy, he lives in Toronto though... he's really good looking to me though :) if only he lived here... how sweet things would be!!! anyway, he has a cam, & we could have pretty cool cam sessions if i had one also. so that's the first thing i'm going to buy.

(ihateboys)

haha.

i got my lip peirced on the other side :) so i have snake bites now!! it's pretty hot. i enjoy it.
you know what i need? a good boy who won't play me.. who genuinely likes me & i genuinely like him too.. that's what i need! & we could do drugs together :) & it would be a good time for awhile, until the first hint of disaster came along, then i would gladly take it and walk away. er, well, not gladly, but.. wisely.

yess indeed.

my mom knows i smoke cigarettes now & she allows me to buy them off of her. it's kinda cool, but kinda weird.
so many things in my life have changed, it's MESSEDDD. i never thought things would turn out this way :S :S :S!!!

i start school in 4 days.. i have all grade 10 classes in the morning. shit where's my schedule :S can't remember where i put that thing. but yeah... school time... AND work time.. from 8pm - 1am. shitty sleeps!

anyway i'm done with that update.

hhiigghh @ 2008-08-09T15:12:00

2008-08-09T21:55:06Z

i'm bored i'm bored i'm bored i'm bored.

i don't even know what to say.
yesterday i was texting Lyndon and he pissed me off and i ended up telling him i cheated on him. and now he's turned into the crazy ex boyfriend. he has fucking issues. i know he's hurt but FUCK. he's fucking threatening me and insulting me and it's just retarded drama... it's weird, i never thought he would be so crazy. it's kinda scary... glad i got out of that relationship.. i don't know what to say to him, he's just stupid.. i mean, i did love him and all but.... things are sooo different now.

Tyler's moving back to Estevan on Tuesday :( i'm gonna miss him. i remember him saying he was coming to Regina for his birthday in September. but yeah. he wants to hang out with me on Monday. at first i was like, i'm grounded. but i asked mom and told her he was leaving so she said i can hang out with him. :)

anyway that's all for now.

hhiigghh @ 2008-08-06T13:32:00

2008-08-06T19:33:32Z

hello, i wrote this last night when i was stoned.
you can probably easily guess who it is about!
the style was kind of inspired by the book i am reading.. Burned, by Ellen Hopkins

I try not to care that you

Spend a few hours with me

And after I’m gone

You

Switch to another girl

You said

“That’s what guys do.”

So I will

Pretend that it’s okay.

As my world changes

In front of my face

(disturbing the peace)

Look the other way

Wanting something more

Than voices raised

In distress.

And I actually believe

Your well rehearsed

Words.

Because it’s better

Than taking these changes

Seriously.

Might as well

Participate in the game

(as your toy)

And try to win

As the end comes closer

(sooner than we think)

All I want to do

Is escape sobriety

To enhance reality

And ignore

My surroundings.

You,

There,

With your hand

In mine.

Your bright blue eyes,

A whole new world itself,

Inviting me to join in..

Don’t forget,

That devils have

Pouting lips

To play with.

Laying myself bare,

No one else in mind,

But

this

comfort

you give me

is limited.

You twitch

in your sleep,

What are you dreaming of?

As you’re gone

From this world,

I look

And find

your

keys

and a few secrets.

But now

How can I care

When I endure each hit

By hit

And leave myself

Open

For more

And don’t object?

Because

I am passive,

I try

To “be”

Numb

As they dig

And forget.

hhiigghh @ 2008-08-06T02:09:00

2008-08-06T10:02:30Z

haven't written in a week and a lot has changed!
i don't quite remember what i did on Wednesday...
i think Ken came back from out of town that night.
then the next day, i left to go hang out with Kaitlin and Shay.
we went to the north end and hung out with their friend Trevor.
and my mom called me at about quarter to five..
and i remember the way she said, "He left me!"
and i was like, "what?"
and he had packed all of his clothes & things, and took the grand am and left..
i need to stop beginning sentences with 'and.'
i haven't seen Ken since. it's weird because i remember he was doing something in his room with the door closed, and he was eager for the clothes in the dryer.. he asked if i had picked up the dog shit yet, because i was leaving, and i said, "no, i'll do that now." but then he said, "no you can just do it when you get home." in hindsight, i realize that was an odd thing for him to say. out of character.. he knew he was leaving so it didn't matter if i did that chore or not.
my mom has been stressed out since then. she gets angry easily over small things. my sister moved in with us on Friday, she lost her job in Edmonton at Esso. so it's been me, my mother, my sister, and Shady. he hasn't had a good walk in a long time. i should probably take him for one tomorrow.
my sister is passed out right now in my mom's room. my cousin Brittany and Darby's friend Erin are talking to my mom, mostly about Ken. i rolled a joint for them. mom should be sleeping, she has work in the morning. but i guess she's happy to have someone to talk to. i don't know what they're talking about anymore. i got stoned. i'm high. i wonder if i should pour my last cup of coffee? and then smoke the rest of the bowl when Brittany and Erin have left.. Brittany knows little about her sister, she thinks Carlie only smokes weed once in awhile, and gets mad at Brandy for getting high... it is not that way. Carlie enjoys getting stoned. oh well.
guess what i did today? mom sent me into Safeway to get coffee cream, and then i seen some condoms so i took 3 out of the box and put them in my pocket. i bought the coffee cream and some Bubblicious gum. then as i was walking in the parking lot to the car, somebody behind me said, "excuse me miss, are you forgetting to pay for something? those condoms in your pocket?" and i was like, "oh. yeah." and then he said i had to come with him, and i said, "can i just give them to you and leave?" and he said no. and yeah. i made myself void of emotion after that. did not speak more than 6 words, i think. my mom had followed us, i guess, we went to the back, into a room upstairs. she did all the talking after that. i was only asked to speak my age and birth date. the guy was pretty chill about it, i suppose. he didn't want to call the cops. the manager didn't either. so they just took my info and banned me from the store for awhile. then mom told me i was grounded for the rest of the summer, and she was taking my laptop away. i didn't argue.. i didn't really do anything, i'm so passive in these kinds of situations.
then at home, she told me i would be off grounding on Monday if i do as she says.. and i told that technically she couldn't take my laptop away because dad gave it to me so it was mine. and she said ok i can stay inside with my laptop. then she said technically, i can't steal, blahblah..
but yeah.
i got really drunk Thursday night. i pitched in 5 bucks for Weiser's. Shay took care of me and stuff,and they got me home on time. i was puking and stuff. i don't really remember but it was a good night! i don't care that i got sick! and felt a little hungover the next day.. it was still fun.
i woke up at like 6:30am.. and then i just went on my laptop and i ate strudels and drank coke from stupid reason, and laid in bed and started watching Requiem For A Dream... and my dad came over, and i felt sick and i threw up my breakfast, and took some pills and went to sleep... and then my phone woke me up, it was my sister, asking what i wanted from McDonalds so i told her, then i went back to sleep for an hour or so and she woke me up, and i wasn't hungover anymore and i ate McDOnald's :D and my auntie Rita and Vince and my dad and Cindy were all there.
then everyone left and i showered, and then i walked over to Cheyenne's cause she had my camera, somehow. i decided to just go with her when Kaitlin picked her up to go to the ex. and she straightened my hair, and i got my mom to bring over some shorts cause it was fucking hot out.. and i tried on one of Shay's sweater's and she said i could keep it :D
i'm going to go to sleep now peace

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-29T01:10:00

2008-07-29T07:43:56Z

i think i was pissed off the last time i wrote.

well i went to a party at Tyler's house on Saturday night and i slept over at his house. it's really nice, to just sleep with his arms around me. he's a cutie. i can't refuse him. so i'm just going to let all my walls fall down, and i'm not hiding how i feel. i'm tired of hiding things.. i need to get shit out into the open, at least, with him. for some reason. i just like him. he doesn't want to date anybody though. and i'm just going to translate that into he just wants to screw around.

this guy's been messaging me on Nexopia and he just said, "wanna hold hands?"
it's weird but i enjoyed it because that question pops into my head about random people.
he actually sent it though. wtf does he mean? i said: "sure."
lol he said: k then come find me. im hiding outside in your alley, on a wireless laptop.
haha. i said: i don't have an alley, come find me.
this is amusing.
why am i even replying, his username is porno-creep, like wtf? lmao.

anyway, so, i don't want to date either. i'm willing to experiment with other guys. so i don't care anymore that Tyler isn't going to just focus on me, i'm not going to just focus on him either. i'll keep him as my interest, but i'll still have other interests. yup.

there wasn't any particularly special about today except that my Metric tshirt arrived :D so i took a lot of pictures wearing it, and i think they're pretty good, my hair looked good today and i didn't put any make up on and yeah. it's all good.

that guy said, "oh.. okay.
you're pretty."

and i want to reply but nexopia is being super lame and won't let me! ugh!
i made another nexopia friend, his name is Tony Wilm. he's only 2 years older than me, that's a good age diff. he's into drugs & art, like myself, & i think he's native.. he graduated this year. um. he's pretty cool to talk to.

Ryan from Winnipeg has a crush on me or something, and he's the same age as my sister. we've been talking on MSN for like 4 years, and we just recently started talking to each other more. he frequently mentions wanting to cuddle me, & saying i'm the only girl he's interested in right now. we've never actually met. i don't know what would make him say that except for he thinks i'm pretty. so i dunno.

i haven't smoked weed all day but i've had some rez hoots. i've only had 2 smokes all day, & it's tuesday now, technically, so yaaay.

i talked to Walter tonight, and it turns out he got the same Metric tshirt as me :O
he's still pretentious. of course. that's just him.

i have drawn a little bit today. trying out these new pencils my auntie denise gave to me.

tonight feels like it's going by slow...
hhhhhhmmmmm.

i'm not on my period anymore! yes!

Nexopia is working again, so i'm messaging that guy againn.
i'm going to stop writing, idont know what to write

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-25T21:04:00

2008-07-26T03:59:36Z

fuck, i am looking for something to do, like some drugs, & someone to hang out with, but all my friends are out.. & they don't want to hang out with me <_< at least, Tyler doesn't. i don't even know why i waste my time on him. fuck him. next time he asks me to hang out, i'm just saying no. flat out no. i'm not texting him anymore. i just don't want him in my life right now, he's stressing me out, & using me for sex, & he's a fucking loser.

yeah. i've been pissed off & lonely. ever since i talked to Shay on MSN & she was with Kaitlin, & i wanted to hang out with her, i told them i had nothing to do, but she didn't reply, and then i seen her personal msg and it said she was out for the night, aandd, it just bugged me that they didn't even ask me to come.. i mean, why not.. or they could call me? i don't know? & i asked Tyler if i could hang out with him, he was shrooms, and couldn't get me any, but i just wanted someone to be with, but he didn't answer.. so i said, "ok fine, don't answer me :(" and just, yeah. i texted John and asked if he was with Rhett, cause i decided i'd pitch for some coke.. snort it, or smoke crack, i didn't care, i still don't. i am still down to do any drug right now. even heroin. but not meth. no, i'm sticking to the theory: Life or Meth? so yeah. no meth. it even just sounds wrong.. but yeah.. John never answered, so i guess he wasn't with Rhett? Jason never answered me.. i've just been out of luck!! OUT OF LUCK!!

i was even so desperate as to go on nexopia & look for guys that looked like they could find some drugs.. & i came across the perfect guy, his username even had hippy in it, & his profile was all about drugs, & i just messaged him and said hey what's up. & he said nothingg, and asked if he knew me, but i said no, and i got straight to the point, i asked if he could find anything but weed. and he said shrooms! he said shrooms, just what i wanted! so like, we started texting & shit, he was going to get it for me & everything, but then the guy ran out. FUCKING RAN OUT!!! just my luck!!!! i was getting pumped.. & now i'm back to square one. the nexopia guy, his name is Emile. we might hang out later. i don't know how i'm going to get out so late, i'll have to make up something bout Shay being out all day. yehh. then just ditch. and stay out all nite. he's drinking with his friends right now, i wish i could fuckin drink. all i have is a little bit of whiskey, like 3 shots.. i havent had any yet cause i dont want mom to smell it. but yehh. he just asked me what made me talk to him on nex, do i just tell him straight up that i was being a fiend for drugs? or should i flatter him? how would he be flattered. hmm.. he has dreads.. i could be like U HAZ NICE DREDZZ. no.hahahah. ok, i said: i don't know, you looked pretty cool, & i was lookin for shrooms lol. i dont see how that's flattering but, it's da trooth. so. fuck flattery!

he's 17, says his nex. he's cute. and he loves weed, so, we could get along, cause, that's how i get to know people. i smoke weed with them. and he could be a park kid, there's pics of him at Vic Park, and he knows Keisha & Door, and Tyler knows them & i met Keisha twice, and she told me i looked high as fuck each time. and i seen Door when me and Tyler were walking down the street & there was a guy just singing really loud and he sounded bad and it turned out that Tyler knew him, so, yehhh. i dunno what i'm talking about. i'm fucking bored.

awwwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeee, Emile said: haha, you look cute.

:D :D
i love being told i'm cute :D

man. i'm on my period, this is why my moods are so extreme..
i fucking cut myself earlier, i was just.. so down.. so lonely.. i wanted fun, but got none.. even Crystal Castles wasn't doing anything for me.. so i just, cut myself, 4 times. yehh. it was nice. i stopped feeling so angry. i mean, i was still angry, but i didn't feel it all just waiting to burst out of me anymore.

anyway, i don't know what to say to Emile.
do i say thanks? thanks, you too?
i just sent him a smiley face.
cause i jsut didnt know what to say, hahhh.
and it made me smile.
so.
yeh.
thats my reply <_<

Jason finally texted me back and said "ya but na" and then he told me someone pulled a gun on him, and he's drunk, and yehh, i'm questioning him about it. i never believe him, at least, not entirely, i just know his ways too well.

awwwww, Emile replied with a smiley too.
we're just all smiley with each other.
lmao, jk, i'm being lame.

at least i'm in a better mood, y'know? and i honestly do feel fed up with Tyler. i haven't felt this way before about him. i actually feel like he's just a waste of time, & i don't need him, & i'm going to move on. it sounds really good to me. cuz, really, why would he want to be with me? no, most importantly, why would i want to be with him? all i like about him is that he holds my hand, he kisses me, he cuddles with me.. i like those things. i like to touch & be touched without the emotional bullshit. but the bullshit crept in somehow anyway. cause i fooled myself ONCE AGAIN into thinking that he was so cool, so nice, so cute, what i've been looking for, blahblah.. but he gets around too much, that's such a big flaw for him. and he's turning 19 but he still acts like a little kid. i mean, acting like a little kid is fun sometimes, but he just doesn't seem like he wants to grow up. and he's fucking 15/16 year olds. and he's haggard, he should get his hair cut, he should just, clean up a bit. or clean up a lot! maybe i used to be interested in getting to know him but now i know enough to make me just want to forget i ever fucked him. but that's the thing. he's only the 2nd guy i've ever had sex with, that's why he matters in my life. he'll always matter in that way. and maybe one day he will stop screwing around, and clean himself up, and get somewhere, and get nicer, and then i can let myself be involved with him. but i just don't need this stupidity anymore, i think i have snapped myself out of it.

so next time he wants to hang out, i'm going to have to pass.

& now you give me a round of applause for coming back to reality.

i got no clue if i'm going anywhere. i doubt i'll be able to. unless i sneak out :O! i could do that.. YEH YEH! maybe.

i wish i had a CD player i could bring around with meh. i miss those days. now i can only listen to CDs at home. i got a good stereo though, it's about time i started using it. it sounds good without earphones, and i can just dance, & yeehh.

i've been coughing from smoking too much weed & cigs, & mom thinks i have a cold. heh heh..
my mom rocks, i don't know why i get so annoyed with her. i really should learn how to show my appreciation.
i really need to find a way out of this depression. maybe now that Tyler is out of the picture, it'll go away, and i'll be ok.
cause it wasn't this bad before i met him. i could deal with it. but now it just gets extreme sometimes.

ok, so.
this is my, what, 3rd post of the day?

i have 13 smokes. 13 fucking smokes, and i am going to smoke them all, that's bad...
meh. seriously considering buying crack is bad. and that's what i did. so i'm just a bad person.

lol Ryan was on webcam & mic today, when Rhett was here, & we were on mic also, and it was, just funny.. Rhett's funneee. he's the only friend i've seen all day. my visitor. i like that we are friends. i consider us good friends. because we haven't fought, and i have a silly history with him. i remember oh so well how much i used to like him... first cute boy to show interest in me in a long time.. yupp, they do me in, those kinda boys. but he is also one of those boys that's just addicted to girls, and likes more than one at a time. more than 2, prolly. i dunno how we're still friends, oh yes i do, cause i just keep smoking him up, & occasionally he smokes me up, like today, & that's cause i supplied him with it.. but, he's been around for a good while, he's always said funny things, & i've always enjoyed his company. i used to enjoy it more, but, that's cause i liked him a lot. it took me awhile to figure out where we stood. i know now, & yeah, he's a good guy, it's just that he got into hard drugs.

Ryan sent me Guitar Pro today. now i have Guitar Pro!!! makes it so much easier to learn guitar!! i haven't actually tried to learn a song yet though. i don't know what song to choose. still thinking.

ok, well, peace out yo.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-25T14:30:00

2008-07-25T20:39:03Z

important event:

Rhett came over, bought 2gs, and got me high. :D
i didn't pitch or anything. so, this is.. notable.
it was funny, he made meh laugh.
i like him better when he's not with John.
he seems more fun, or whatever. i don't know.
not as stupid.
anyway, it was cool.
even tho i didn't shower yet.

shit, i still have to take my dog for a walk. i just remembered. i'm going to finish the pot of coffee, and then i will take him for a walk, and then i will shower. i don't know what i'm doing tonight.. i want to lie & say i'm sleeping over at Cheyenne's & just go out somewhere, like, hang out with Tyler. but, ahh, i don' t know yet. i guess i'll wait to see if he texts me. i haven't heard from Cheyenne, and she seems really pissed off lately, like, angry at the world & down on herself. and i want to make her happy but i dunno how.

i made a CD, finally. i like to make CDs now, because i like to put them in my stereo and turn it up really loud & dance. it just feels good. and i put Crystal Castles on it, and Sublime, and A Wilhelm Scream.. and other random shit. it's a good one, i think.

my throat is so fucked from smoking. like, i took a puff of Carlie's smoke this morning, and it just hurt and made me cough. it sucked. my smokes are really. weak. ehhh. i wish i was downtown. no i don't, that's boring. i wish i was.. um.. doing something fun. maybe i'll just drink coffee and dance? yeh. then walk Shady. aw, i just noticed he's sleeping on my sofa.

wellll, pce out..

PS: Carlie isn't much fun to hang out with anymore, she seems bitchy, or impatient.. and she isn't really good to talk to about things anymore either. like, we laugh about things and shit. we have some good times. but i can't talk about how much i like Tyler cause of like, what i did when we first met him. & just, yeahh.

i wanna get drunk. or something. i want shrooms.. acid.. something or other.
i only slept for 4 hours last night.
my mouth tastes like shit from all this coffee, i can't wait til i brush my teeth.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-25T01:33:00

2008-07-25T08:01:40Z

tonight i went to A Wilhelm Scream with Carlie, and i really enjoyed it.. there were 3 bands, they all played great. like, they gave off a good vibe, hah.. it all sounded awesome.. we got high before the show, & then i wanted to go out and smoke another bowl before A Wilhelm Scream, sooo i was good.. 2 bowls doesn't really affect me much anymore. at least, shared between 2 people. i should cut back..

so, my interview! i went to that shit! it lasted like, 5 minutes. but it went well, i think.. at least, for a first interview.. and i told Carlie & mom one of my answers for the question, and they seemed impressed, so, i must have given decent answers. she said she would call me tonight to tell me if i got the job or not, but i got no call :( she could be taking her time.. i really want that job now.. i want moneyss. & drink discounts..

Carlie is sleeping right now. she has to get up for summer school at 7:30. i'm still gonna stay up late. i don't know what i'm going to do but sleep doesn't feel welcoming.

Tyler just randomly showed up after the show tonight.. disturbed my state of mind. cause i of course wanted to touch him. and when he said he was getting like a half ounce, i wanted to get high. so i was going to stay out a bit later but Carlie sort of convinced me not to.. i didn't really say anything about it, but i didn't object when she said we were taking the cab home. i was thinking of how i wanted to stay but i couldn't. it disappointed me. why did he have to show up like that. he left after we said we weren't going. he wanted hugs, and i burned him with my cigarette, heh.. shit. after that, i was quiet, and boring. but i tried to lighten up. stupid Tyler..

i don't know what i'm doing tomorrow night. Cheyenne & Kaitlin said we would hang out, then Tyler made it sound like we were hanging out, and tonight Carlie invited me to hang out with her & Brandy.. sooo, i just don't know. whatever comes up first, i guess. but i know what i want to do: see Tyler <_< i need to frigging like, get a vacuum and suck him out of my head. actually, what i want to do is mushrooms with Shay & Kaitlin.. shrooms sound very fun.. but i don't see where we could get some. i wanna try some acid.. i don't know why, it would probably scare the shit out of me. i guess i just wanna try something new.

i wouldn't mind chipping in with Rhett for some coke.. i know that crack heads just want other people to smoke crack with them, and it turns into a habit but.. i wouldn't let it come to that. ppfftt yeah, i just sound stupid right now, i can't say shit. all i can say is that i want to snort coke. sometimes i just fantasize about being a druggie, living on streets, going to raves, having a cute love, things like that.. yeah, i actually fantasize about being poor. how dumb am i? it's like i want to be a loser <_< it attracts me <_<

it should be obvious by now that i'm attracted to dumb shit though.

after my interview, i went to Wal-Mart & checked out their jewelery. they actually have cute stuff.. i got like 4 necklaces, a bracelet, & earrings.. i didn't buy it though. <_< i like them, they rock.

things to buy if i get that job:
- new pair of converse shoes
- webcam?
- film for polaroid camera.

i can't think of anything else besides drugs..
ahhh, i'm stupid.
i'm gonna stop writing, prolly have a smoke, cause i smoke too much now. & my throat hurts now.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-24T02:23:00

2008-07-24T09:18:10Z

sooo, couple things have changed.. in my mind..

for instance, my view on Tyler.. i don't really want to like him. he gets around too much.. flirts with any girl & apparently had sex with Brandy Sunday nite. that's what Carlie says Brandy says. that bothered me. didn't like that news at all. he hasnt said anything bout it, but why would he.. ? just, "o yeea, i had sex with this girl the other nite." its not like we're dating anyway. i guess he can fuck who he wants? but i dont wanna do anything with him after knowing he did it with Brandy. its gross. i didn't even wanna be nice to him or hang out with him. i was pissed off for two days. then today, he called me & wanted me to hang out with him. i said maybe. he was like, maybe? what's with this maybe shit? and i couldn't convince myself to say no, so i said i'd be there in an hour or so. cause i am a FOOL. but i'm on my period, so he couldn't get what he wanted. heh.. he wanted a blow job too, but i said no. and he called me a jerk. mehh. i called him a jerk but he was like, why am i a jerk? and i was thinkin of how he fucked Brandy and flirts shamelessly, and that's why he's a jerk but i didn't tell him that of course. just let him think i was a jerk. i kno i'm not a jerk. i am a really nice girl to him!! so, he can be ungrateful if he wants. i'm just enjoying his lips, and cuddliness, and desire for me. if u can call it desire.. guess it's just lust. yup. all just lust.

he's kinda like the main focus in my life right now, besides drugs.. all i think bout is him, and getting high, and how i don't like myself. heh. i don't know why i don't like myself. i just bother myself. i mean, i dunno, i like me, i just find myself feeling stupid a lot. thru each day that goes by, i feel like i'm waiting for something. i guess i feel shitty cause i got these dumb feelings for someone who i think is just using me for sex.. im unbalanced. i keep stealing weed.. just. yeah. i dunno. haven't really been up to anything good. i just wanna feel happy. i feel happy when i'm with Tyler and he does those cute things..

i feel sick right now though. must have drank too much coffee. wooah, where does the time go, it's 2:49am.. i don't really feel sick, my body just feels kind of shaky. i just went & took my mom's shit out of her drawer when she was sleeping so i can pack a bowl.. she's a deep sleeper, she doesn't even hear Shady when he's barking or anything..

i need something to just, lighten up my general mood. i feel like something's dragging me down. my problem is Tyler! that intriguing bitch.. hahah, just kidding..

tomorrow i'm going to a show, A Wilhelm Scream. gonna mosh. with my cousin. she doesn't mosh, but yeah, i haven't in a long time.. really long time.. i think the last concert i went to was The Rolling Stones.. i was on E, that shit was good.. the whole night.. sort of.. kinda fucked up. i feel uneasy when i think about any time i spent with Lyndon. i just feel like it wasn't right, i can't remember why i loved him, i can't feel any love.. i mean, i know we had good times but.. fuck, it just doesn't feel right compared to everything that's happened, i'm a different girl. i am so different now. but i'm still the same in the sense that i always feel depressed when i think about my life.. i don't know what my problem is! it's just myself.

hey! i got an interview tomorrow with Orange Julius! my first interview ever! could be my first job ever! i'm excited, i guess. i'm nervous, too.. but i think, if Lyndon could get a job, then why shouldn't i be able to? i mean, everyone i know has had a job at some point.. not everyone, but almost. so. it shouldn't be that hard for me to get one.. i have no confidence, man. i need some confidence! where'd that shit go!? started going down the drain when i met Tyler, for some reason, he be making me second guess myself.

it's so lame, writing or talking or thinking about Tyler, cause he got no clue how much i do it <_< he mentioned how we haven't hung out in awhile, like 4 days, and i asked him if he missed me, and he said a little. i don't know if he was being sincere, but he asked me if i missed him and i said nope. and he said, "ok, well, i'm just gonna play it cool and say i didn't miss you either.. since you didn't miss me regardless" and he said it like a question, and i said, "well maybe a litlte, maybe." heh. yeah, of course i missed him more than that but i don't want him to see how much i like him. he probably already knows, i'm obvious like that. but i don't wanna boost his confidence. sometimes he goes to kiss me & then he doesn't <_< he teases me! and he thinks it's funny cause i get disappointed :( blahh.

i miss my sister. she's cool.. and i miss her!! well, she gets annoying but.. she's my sister.. she should have lived with us longer than she did, but her and Ken couldn't get along.. if i spoke my mind, him and i would probably fight a lot too.. but i put up with shit. that's just me. like now, i'm putting up with this Tyler shit, heh.. i mean, i talk about him negatively, like he's a bad thing, cause like, he's bad for my health, y'know? but i still like him. I DONT KNOW WHY! god damn it!

do you see how much this bothers me? i never wanted it to come to this, but of course it did! o boy!

i need a nice boy.. to wuv me.. no i don't, i had that.
i need to give my love to someone who deserves it..
Lyndon did deserve it, but then i didn't feel like he did..
but if anyone does, he does..
but nope! threw him away for some guy that doesn't deserve me!
the things in life are just oh so silly..

take my dream, for example..
i dreamt about Tyler Saunders. he moved back, and he liked me, and it was cool. i don't know why i dreamt about him, but like, it was a cool dream. quite cool.. if only it were real <_<

anyway, i got someone to talk to now, so i'mma pack a bowl & pour my heart out.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-20T20:07:00

2008-07-21T02:40:51Z

Today was kind of weird because i hung out with strangers, and they were all older than i am. i woke up with no one home & i wanted to hang out with Cheyenne but she was cleaning. i took some shots of whiskey, and i put some stuff in a backpack and walked downtown. i didn't want to be home when my parents got back because mom would smell the alcohol... yeah, so, it took me 50 minutes, i guess. i wanted to find some weed... those stupid bagpipe players were there again.. i seen a circle of like, some people, who were adults.. i asked if they knew where to find weed & they said i should have been there 10 mins earlier.. they said the guy should be back again and i could sit, so i did. i don't know how long i sat with them.. they smoked some weed.. there was 5 of them, then 2 left to go get weed, then the other 2 left to get groceries, and the last guy went to the library, his name was Malcolm. the other guys' names were Oliver and Mike but i don't know the other 2 people's names..

i sat in Vic Park still, and then Malcolm came back, & sat on the bench for awhile.. there was a lot of people looking for weed, but nobody had any. i went to the mall & when i came back, i asked these 2 ppl if they could find some & the guy told me to ask the guy in the yellow hat. so that's what i did. he said he couldn't get any at the park but he knew where to get some by the salvation army.. i asked if he wanted to go for me.. he borrowed someone's bike & went, so i was sitting on the bench with this girl named Jessica, i guess the guy's name is Blare.. Oliver & Mike came back, Oliver was kinda drunk, he's cocky and he talks a lot.. he's friendly but he wasn't wearing a shirt and he creeps me out. they all creep me out a bit. Oliver said he liked me and if i was older, he would try to get to know me. :err: i just wanted some weed. Blare came back and couldn't find any, so then i got some off Oliver, and he smoked some.. there were these other guys there too, 2 of them didn't have a shirt on... i don't know, i was sitting with like 6 guys or something & they were all being loud & i just smoked my weed.. i was waiting for the last bus that came at 5:46.

one of the guys, with no shirt on, started getting mad at this stupid guy named Logan or something, i guess he was giving him dirty looks, so then his topless friend Carlos told Logan to leave, and he just did. he didn't even really say anything. he must have been scared of getting beat up cause that guy wanted to fight. i'm glad he left, and then the other guys left too. so i was sitting with Blare & his girlfriend Jessica for a bit, til i went to get on the bus home..

and that was my day.. i killed some time downtown.. found some weed.. i feel really lazy now. i just ate supper awhile ago, 2 hot dogs and a cheesburger.. i had that yesterday too, but it was McDonald's.. & i had it the day before too.. & prolly the day before, like, that's a lot of burgers. and fries... it's good, tho.

Ken (my step-dad) is going out of town again tonight :) for 10 days! when i came home today, he told me to go take my make-up off and i said no, cause that's stupid. he got mad that i wouldn't, but my mom told him to stop, or whatever. it was really stupid, i don't know why he thinks he can just tell me to do stupid shit like that. hahah.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-20T02:23:00

2008-07-20T08:38:57Z

i didn't go to sleep til 6:30am. i had an interesting dream, but i don't remember what it was.. i woke up at 1 to my mom saying she brought me a toasted bagel w/ cream cheese & a french cappuccino from Tim Horton's :D. it was nice of her, i should show her my appreciate more often <_<.. i spilled my drink all over my bedside table though, i hate being clumsy. it got all over my phone, but it works normally still.

i showered and considered walking downtown but the rain convinced me to stay in. mom & Ken went to a football game. i made a drink with their whiskey, sat on the sofa in my room, and played pokemon while listening to Elliott Smith. uuuh yeah. then i talked to Shay awhile later, & i walked to meet her & Kaitlin. we got high, but i was more so because i was kinda tipsy. then we went to Mcdonald's, Kaitlin paid for me :D later on, we went to my house and just hung out in my room.. we were waiting to see if John could get us weed.. we were being silly & singing along to lame songs & dancing. i don't think they've ever seen me act so retarded and i don't think i've ever made Shay laugh so hard, heh.. :) in the end, we couldn't get any weed.. they went home around like 10:40.. i played some Pokemon til mom & Ken came home, then i started using this piece of crap. just kidding, i love my laptop.

anyway, i'm kinda tired sooo, i'm gonna go to sleep early for once.. get a good sleep, have some good dreams.. goodnight.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-18T23:37:00

2008-07-19T08:34:02Z

i had a good night... me & Tyler had a sleepover at his house :)
he's pretty cute. & probably the coolest guy i know because he plays pokemon & listens to sweet music & suggests doing random, fun things. yeeaah you can tell i like him a lot, but i don't care anymooree, it's too hard to hide it :(
i had to tell mom that i was having a sleepover with Stef & Elena..
when i said i wanted to walk downtown yesterday, i meant it. & i did get a chance to take some whiskey, so i did.. drank it straight.. & went on a journey downtown. it took me 50 minutes, & Stef and Elena were on their way there, so i met up with them. & i killed my no-smoking streak, i took a drag & then i bought a smoke later. & i smoked 3 cigs to myself when i took my dog for a walk today, so, i FAIL at quitting.

so i hung out them for awhile at Vic Park, & then they were going to see their friend & i had texted Tyler & said i would prolly come see him on his break.. and that's what i did, walked my ass over there & he had food & i ate his fries. we talked bout pokemon & stuff, & he asked if i was doing anything later and i wasn't, and he said i should sleep over. & yeah, i lied to my mom n it was allgood.. when his break was overr, i walked all the way home. took me an hour... i got my shit together & mom gave me a ride downtown.. i looked for ppl with bud but no luck and myles was a dick when i texted him. so i just walked to Houston Pizza and waited for Tyler & then he got off so we walked to his house.. we had no luck in finding weed.. that was ok though.

we stayed up til 5:30 in the morning.. during that time, we played Pokemon.. and we went to the store & i bought some chips, cookies & candy. when we got back, we watched some TV but there wasn't anything that was really good, only mildly, so we watched a movie instead, Young People Fucking, and that's basically what it was, young people fucking... it was amusing though. we went to bed after that.. i enjoy sleeping with him :D i enjoy him... that's all....

we walked downtown soon after waking up.. he took a balloon from a car dealership.. it was green and i held onto it for a long time, until we were in the mall & he was competing in the lame Canadian Texting Championship or something, and it slipped from my finger and floated to the ceiling.. we checked out some Dollarama, i stole blue Play-Doh.. i'm a lame thief. then we went to Vic Park, and found some weeed. smoked a bowl.. & went to the mall again, checked out HMV.. & then we saw Ashley when we were going back to Vic Park and i smoked a bowl with them.. then Keisha came.. and i got them high at 4:20, woo! then i had to catch my bus like 6 minutes later.. i went home pleasantly stoned.. and mom gave me money to go to McDonald's, sooo, i walked there, and i felt rather lazy. i enjoyed my meal... then i walked back, lazily.. then i put some alcohol in my drink, took 3 smokes, & took Shady for a lazy walk.. i didn't even feel like walking, but i wanted something to do.. it was such a non-energetic walk.. but we went far, we went to Wascana.. my legs were exhausted when i came back, & mom was just finishing up in my room.. she put the TV in here cause they bought a new one. and she put the computer desk in here, the tv is on it, and i like it.. i love my room. i could watch TV right now.. i don't watch much TV though..

ahhh, yeahh, so i've been lazing on my laptop since then.. editing pictures, downloading music.. & then i started to talk to Adam on MSN, & then he called me :D we haven't talked in a long time, just recently started on MSN.. but we haven't had a good conversation like that in a looong time.. and we're even such good friends that we discussed his shitty friend behavior.. about how he didn't talk to me when i was there, and how it was cause Jillian feels threatened by me, or whatever.. she gets worried that me and him have something going on... but we don't, of course. but yeah, i knew that's why he wasn't talking to me or anything.. & now i know that i was right, & just, yeahh.. i really needed a talk like that though, we talked of life and how fucked up it is. and he's never judged me on anything i do or say... and we always understand what the other means, even if we can't explain ourselves.. so it's cool. i'm glad we talked. we talked for an hour & 1 minute & 9 seconds.

so it was a good day. any day that i see Tyler is good, i guess.

i'm thinking of drawing an actual picture soon.. not my normal crazy nonsense.. an actual picture of something.. not sure what, probably a person.. i always tend to draw faces..

i don't like it when Ken is here. i stay up all night on my laptop practically every night, and he always tells me to go to bed, but what for? why do i have to sleep? what's wrong with staying up? i am not bothering anybody... so i just ignore him. i try to ignore him a lot. he's stupid. but i suppose i respect him. not really, but yeah.

i don't have strong opinions. i'm too open minded. i go with anything, if i agree with it, and i agree with a lot.. i guess i just hang out with people i relate to, so i agree with them a lot. i don't object to things, really. but i've been hanging out with people who don't really know me, so that must be why i'm so self-conscious lately. cause my life is changing.. i really do like this summer. it's exciting.

okay, well, i'm going to stop writing now..

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-17T12:12:00

2008-07-17T18:45:29Z

I'm getting pimples, it sucks.
I stayed up til 6:30 last night, that's about 3 & a half hours of sleep.. yep..
i quit smoking, this will be the 3rd day.i just have to keep telling myself that i never needed one before, so why should i now?
Cheyenne said if i quit for 2 weeks, she will too because then i will have inspired her. hah, that's sweet :D
umm yesterday i cut myself, i don't remember the last time i did it before then, but yeah. i caved in for no good reason.
i could use the excuse, "i was sad because i broke up with Lyndon" but that's.. bullshit... i did it so to see the blood stand out against my flesh. & for some pain. now i have to wear like 4 rainbow bracelets to cover it up. i hope no one notices, it's pathetic. mehhhh!!!
but yeah, Lyndon called me yesterday. got a conversation about me going, & he caught onto how i cared more about what other people thought than what he thought. he asked why he wasn't important, and just yeah. i gave him some lame answer of how he likes everything about me anyway. i don't really want to write about it. how it ended is with him saying, "ok, well, bye." and hanging up. cause Sheila had cut in and said she needed the phone. i told him i didn't love him. basically... told him i didn't have that feeling, i didn't believe in it right now, i don't want all the seriousness. i told him the truth.. at one point, he was like, "is there anything else you have lied about?" and i just said no. i'm never telling him i cheated on him.. never...
but it's over now. he said i was fucked up. said it's fucked up, the shit i do. yeahh, yeahh, i know. doesn't bother me. too self-absorbed.. i said i was selfish and he said yeah you are pretty selfish. mehhh. don't care about him anymore. he's gone now. laid in the past.

& now i don't kno where i'm going in life. i like Tyler & i feel stupid about that. i know nothing will last, or am i just being pessimistic? i got jealous when i saw pictures of him & other girls, kissing & shit. made me realize i am just another girl to him, that he could go and get what i give him from somebody else... then there's that question: then why doesn't he? then there's that answer: cause he thinks i'm hot. i asked him before why he would like me cause i didn't talk very much, and he said, "so? i think you're cool." i don't know why he would think that. ahhh i don't know why anyone would think anything good of me, so i guess it doesn't matter. i'm being umm... i'm just feeling sorry for myself. i guess i'm depressed. got the cuts to prove it? how fuckin stupid. i like to swear about my feelings now.. Tyler is a stupid boy, Tyler is a stupid boy, Tyler is a stupid boy, maybe if i say that over and over, he'll get out of my head.. probably not.. there is no cure for attraction.. until he does something to piss me off, or creep me out, or hurt me or something... i will still jump when he wants me to.. heh, that song Urgent by Foreigner reminds me of us. i'm so lame.

i'm listening to music very loudly in my room.
my digital camera is fixed!! now i can take wicked pictures again!! i already took a few yesterday. got some creepy ones of Rhett, & i took a really good one of the cherry oil we had.. i love it. yeah, i hung out with Shay yesterday & we went & bought some oil from John's connect, & he got us high & Rhett was there & yeah, i was stoned, ahah... good timeezzz. i really like Shay. i say that all the time but, y'knoowww, she's a good friend... i can tell her anything. i wish i could make her feel happy when she's down, seems like she is a lot lately.

i wonder if mom & Ken got their alcohol hidden somewhere, cause i wants some.. i kinda wanna walk alllll the way downtown. because i'm really that fucked up, my feelings, i mean. like, i feel shitty... i feel shitty about what i did to Lyndon, i feel shitty about liking Tyler so much, i feel shitty about who I am... & i don't care long it would take to walk there.. would probably take just over an hour.. i would chill on a bench & draw my soul. heh. i'm so fuckin lame.

oh yeah. Neil was texting me last night. i am so sure that he likes me now because he asked, "So, do you like me?" and it felt weird. because i don't. i mean, i like him as a friend, he's a nice guy but... nothing more.. at all... so i said, "i dunno, as a friend." and he said, "oh. i see..." and i said, "yeah, why?" and he said, "oh. i don't know. nothing" and i said, "are you sure" and he said, "yeah" and then he stopped texting. sooo... he likes me... you don't ask that question unless you like someone cause then you wanna know if they feel the same.. in this case, i do not. i'm developing feelings for a whore & it hurts!!! stupid Tyler. & i don't like him just because we had sex, i like his personality, & the way he is.. which is WORSE! makes it harder to get over someone! bllaahhhh, go die....

i bet if i just pretend i don't like him, it could work.. i had to do that with Rhett.. he was a player.. i mean, he's just a loser now, but i used to have a huge crush on him. he's the only boy who's ever made me so damn nervous. you should have seen me when i seen him sitting in my History class on my first day being back at school in Regina. like, woww. so fucking nervous. i thought of him differently then, though. now i just think he's turning into a crack head. it's sad.
but yeah, for awhile, i had to tell myself he was just an asshole & not worth my time, & it worked a little.. i didn't like him as much.. i just have to tell myself to stop obsessing about it so much, y'know? cause i tend to make guys out to be more than they are when i like them. but i will control it.. just tell myself Tyler is a fling.. a fling.. a fling.. a fling..

yup.

i'm gonna go check on the laundry, & then i will probably shower, & then i will check for booze, or maybe i will check for booze right away... yeaaaahhh.. DAMN, i took too long. Ken just got home. damn. well... peace out..

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-16T04:05:00

2008-07-16T10:38:59Z

yesterday i went and hung out with Neil.. took the bus to his house. he taught me how to play All Apologies, it's pretty easy. then we tried to learn Reptilia. but it wasn't that easy. he asked me what i wanted to do and i said draw on his face. but then he couldn't find his markers or anything so i never got to draw on his face. i messed around on the guitar, and then we went downstairs to play some Rock Band. i didn't really feel shy, he made me laugh. but i did something bad before we left to go meet his friends at the basketball court.. i don't know what compelled me to do it. i just took 4 beer inside his fridge, & put them in my purse.. then we went to see his friend's, and shortly after, i took the bus home.. he waited with me for a little bit, nice guy, til i told him he didn't have to, then he left to go get a slurpee. and my bus came soon after and i opened a beer like right away. drank that all the way there, then i took a look around Vic Park and seen the people i seen with Tyler on Saturday, so i went over and asked them if they had a smoke to bum me... Wednesday did. so i sat with them for awhile. they started throwing grass around and one guy threw it at me, so there was a little war there.. then there were cops around so i was careful with my beer, only not really... then i went to wait for the bus.. drank my 3rd beer.. i got off at McDonald's because i really needed to pee. then i walked home, and ate some fries & chicken strips.. and mom went out to grandma's.. and i was restless. i opened my last beer & decided i would go downtown.. and see Tyler on his break. so that's what i did. when he seen me, he asked if i was inebriated. i didn't know what that meant but he told me, and i said a little... yeeahh. he knew i was tipsy. i talked to him for the remaining time of his break, and he wanted me to come back when he was done work... so i had 2 & a half hours to kill. i walked back downtown.. sat on a bench.. & whipped out my skills. one guy on a bike stopped and said "Aaron?" but i didn't know if he said my name, so i was like what? He thought i was this girl he hadn't seen in awhile. His name was Jason, he sat down and talked to me a little. He said he went to an adult learning center.. he was 19, and his birthday was November 14th, and he guessed my age correctly but got the month wrong.. andd yeah, he was a nice guy, but he seemed nervous, and then he said he was going to continue biking.. so then i got up and walked to Tim Horton's and used their bathroom and bought an iced tea lemonade because Tyler said i tasted like cooler, and i didn't want him to taste cooler. i chilled at Tim's for awhile, drawing.. 2 ladies commented on it and said it was pretty and that i should frame and sell them. i said that's what i wanted to do. then they left. and i left at like 9:20 to go meet Tyler. I still had like 15 minutes to kill though. and there were these 2 indians standing out front of Houston Pizza and i just leaned against the wall and they had a case of beer, and the one holding it looked ugly but he tried picking me up. they just stopped in front of me and asked if i was alright. i was like, yeah... sounding annoyed. and the one guy asked what i was doing tonight, and i said waiting for a friend. and he said, "Do you want to come with me" and i'm like, "why would i want to do that" and he said, what and i said, "i don't even know you." and he said, "well you can get to know me." and i said, "i don't want to." and he said, " well DON'T" and walked away all mad. it's funny, i shut him down. i never did that to a guy before, ahah. felt good. i'm just tired of creepy guys hitting on me. i told Tyler about it and he said it's cause i'm hot. he says that whenever i ask him why people are creepy to me.

so i hung out with him until like 12:15. we just sat on some grass by the sidewalk, and talked, and made out, stuff like that.... and then we got up so i could catch my bus but then i left my phone where we were sitting so we walked back, and i asked him to sing, and he did.. nobody's ever sung for me before :D and what's really weird is that the song he sang just came on right now.... "I slept with someone from fallout boy, etc..." i didn't know that's the song he sang though, i think he should have put more heart in it, but i liked it anyway. he sounded cute. ooohh boyyy, do you know what i am doing? do you? i'm fucking falling for him!!! it makes me tear up a little because this will only end badly... yes, i am expecting the worst.. because he's a whore.. he even admitted it last night. we were asking each other some questions.. i asked him how long his longest steady relationship was and he said 4 months. ahh.. i don't know what to think of us. i try not to think of us as anything, it's just that i am infatuated with him. i'm interested, i want to know more, more, more... but then i don't, i want to save myself, but i can't... i'm drawn to him. i'm his friggin puppet.

i wrote a poem about it tonight, here it is:

I don’t want to get too attached but I think it’s already too late

I’m taking a look at your past behind your back, and

I know I shouldn’t be feeling this way.

Seems like this is just a game you play.

Well, you would be the one to teach me.

You will be the one to break me.

I’m already hearing your words stuck in my mind.

I’m already feeling your lips covering mine.

And I’m starting to feel alright.

I’m thinking I’ll pay for this.

I’m thinking that I love everything you do,

Except for those girls you knew.

Makes me wonder what I am to you.

I feel like I should just turn around and never look back.

Take out all the color you introduced, let it fade to black.

Is there anything I can say that you haven’t heard before?

I’m unaware of how long it takes for you to get bored.

I guess I’m waiting for the second that you forget about me.

How did I manage to jump into this catastrophe?

When I first saw you, didn’t know I’d be on you after two days.

And after I fucked you, didn’t know I’d sneak back after two days.

And now I’m your puppet, it’s only been 10 days.

I’m thinking I should brush you off but it’s just too late.

Your eyes are digging into mine, the world just slips away.

There’s so much I could say but I don’t know where to start.

How do I get what I want without stabbing myself in the heart?

Tiny little cuts appear all over again.

You said you’re not looking for love, you want to take it slow.

What do you mean by that? I would like to know.

But life doesn’t give you answers that easily.

And lust doesn’t let you let go of those comforting feelings.

So I guess I’m in your web until you eat my flesh.

I’m stuck with you ‘til you let your poison sink in.

I fell into your trap and I die when you decide it’s time for this to end.

Andd, that's my poem.. Basically says how i'm worried about what i'm putting myself through.
I realized who I was getting involved with because I looked him up on Facebook and Myspace and shit, and i looked at his pictures, and it just seems like he's been with too many people for my liking.. i don't know if i should hold that against him.. i am quite unsure of what to do, i hate what boys do to me when i like them.

well whatever, i always have a good time with him, so mehhh. i wish i could be something like, special to him, or something. but that's just stupid. shouldn't wish to mean something to someone. he bought me a kid's meal from Burger King today. he made out with me on the bench outside of Sears and an indian guy stopped and asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and Tyler said uhh, and i had a feeling that there wouldn't be an answer, and i was right cause then the guy just asked a different question right away, and said there were cameras watching us and Tyler only kept saying that he didn't care but the guy wasn't really listening, and he went on telling us like we should be scared. we left anyway, andd yeah.. i don't like busy streets, i don't like people looking at me. it makes me feel like i should never wear shorts again, like showing my legs is just too much for people to handle. i feel like hiding myself now. but i should just feel comfortable with my body. i like my body. i just don't like people staring.

Tyler isn't that good looking. i mean, he is. i think he's really cute. but then i think he's just haggard. then i remember he doesn't seem to care what he looks like. then i remember it doesn't matter what people look like. i got pretty stoned today. i hadn't gotten high in two days, so it was sweet. Tyler and i pitched for a gram.. and went to this guy named Walker's house, and had a big sesh, and i remember how there was as ketchup bottle holding up the window, and i wanted to take a picture of it because i liked that idea. but i didn't.

i keep feeling like i'm not enough. i'm second guessing myself, underestimating myself, just because i feel like Tyler is better than me, which is STUPID. i should go to bed. i will have clear thoughts in the morning, hopefully. i want to feel normal! i don't wanna be crazy about him, but i fail.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-13T18:27:00

2008-07-14T02:17:41Z

stef's party was cool, not the best but that's because i didn't really like the people there. it turned out alright though. i hung out with Cheyenne for the most part. smoked a lot of weed. i left with Shay and Kaitlin to go see their friend Trevor because he was going to Newfoundland or something, this guy named Scott gave us a ride. but their friend wasn't there, so we went to this other guy named Andrew's, he was drunk. we ate their foodd and then we left, haha.. Scott gave me some shots from his Hennessey. and then we went outside to Scott's car to get high and then a bunch of smoke started coming out from his hood and i guess his live wire caught on fire or something. it was still drivable. we went and got some Burger King.. he bought us a burger each and then i was going to get a poutine and pay him but i couldn't find my ten dollars, i don't know where it went.. maybe someone stole it. he ended up paying for like 3 of our poutines though, ahah... nice guy. it was like 2 in the morning. then we went back to the party and left again to his house because he was going to have a party.. it was really cold outside though. Cheyenne and i were sitting on his bench with a blanket he gave us, watchin him start the fire. he put gas on it and then lit it and it was funny because it just lit up all at once and he was like woah! and yeah. it got boring and cold though and there were two other people with us, Cheeso and Shelly, but they kept going in the garage alone or whatever. then somebody let the dog out, and must have got mad at Scott or something because then he was mad and put out the fire and we went back to Stef's party. and i went to sleep around 3:30 or something, i was really tired.. burnt out from e and weed. and i didn't wake up until like, 10:50. then my mom picked me up at 12:30. she got me a bagel and cappuccino and then we went home.. and i was texting Tyler, and he wanted me to go downtown and get high with him. so i jumped in the shower and got ready in like half hour and caught the bus. i got ready so quick :D i lit a smoke when i got off the bus and he was in front of the mall with 2 people. we stood there with them for a little bit, and then me and him went to Vic Park and got high.

it was a good hangout.. my favorite parts were when we went to the library and went inside their art exhibit and spent some time looking at the art. it was interesting. i like how he actually appreciated art though. it turns me on, hahah.. other favorite part, standing with his friends, they're pretty funny, and then a group of people showed up at the park and whipped out their bagpipes and started playing. it was annoying!! so then me and Tyler went to food court in the mall. he bought some sushi, and i was waiting at NYF cause i was gonna get some fries but it was taking a long time because there was only one person working. and i felt anxious standing there cause Tyler look my way and i would have look away because he makes me nervous like that. but then i gave up on the fries and we just sat down and he shared his sushi with me. i said i never had sushi, but i actually think i had it once before, a really long time ago. i didn't remember it though. it was good. we ate in silence for the most part. then he said i should get the fries with 2 jumbo hot dogs and 2 drinks.. we were full after the hot dogs tho. so we took the fries to go and went to Vic Park and we smoked some of my weed. it was good weed. he didn't even want to finish the bowl with me, but i made him. we chilled there for a few minutes and then we walked to cornwall and checked the bus time but we just missed it so i walked with him to work. we held hands :D and he stopped walking and did that thing where he's looking down at me smiling, and he kissed me, and a car honked at us, haha.. i don't care! then he laughed at me, i am not sure why. but he's cute.

then i walked back downtown, i walked all the way to 7-Eleven and stole an energy drink and bought some candy. then i waited for the bus and went home. i had the house to myself, and i had some weed left so i invited Cheyenne to come over and get high with me. we hung out here, smoked weed in my room, listening to music, drew on her converse, and then just drew on paper. and watched some videos on youtube and it was pretty funny because somebody left a comment on someone's video, trying to insult them and it was so hilarious, she copied and pasted it to Rhett, hahah... it was great. thenn i walked her half-way home. and then i had no smokes and i think i'm addicted to smoking now... i don't care though because i am NEVER going to buy a pack. NEVER. i get my smokes for free. by stealing. because i'm a liar and a thief.

so yehh that was my night. i went to bed around 2:30. Carlie's being a jealous bitch. she said she hates me and that the old Jamie she knew is dead. how stupid is that? so i wrote a blog and said that she needed to grow up and that i didn't care if she hated me because i didn't want to be friends with a bitch anyway. she has me ignored on nexopia so i ignored her also and blocked her on msn. stupid bitch!!! that's harsh but really.

today i didn't have anything to do until 4:30, i went to the pool with Stef & Elena. we tanned and stuff. it was something to do so it was all good, we were only there for an hour. i was talking to my sister Darby before that. she gave me an update on her lifee and stuff, and i told her some of mine.

she made me think i'm getting attached to Tyler. i need to put some space between us. but i've only known him for a week, we haven't spent that much time together. i met him Friday, i slept over Monday, we hung out Wednesday, i slept over Thursday, and we hung out Saturday (yesterday). i don't know if that's too much, it doesn't seem that way and then again, it does. i think about him probably more than i should, though. but i only think of him as a summer fling, not anything serious. i don't see us having a future or anything. i like him, but i'm not in love. that's all i'm trying to say.

i'm going to take Shady for a walk now because i took some shots and i'm afraid mom will smell it so i wanna have a smoke to kill the smell. gooooodbye.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-11T17:31:00

2008-07-12T00:06:55Z

last night, i went to Tyler's. i took the bus there and i tried to be sneaky about it because i told my mom i was just going to sleep over at Cheyenne's. and i had to say i was just going to meet her, and i walked to the further bus stop. it started to rain. i hadn't even really heard from tyler, not since he texted and said he would be done work at 10. i told him i would prolly go meet him. the bus times didn't quite agree with my times though, so i just stayed on the bus til it got to his work place.. then i had about 35 minutes to kill... i contemplated sitting between two buildings and drawing but i seen a tim horton's and thought it would be nice to sit in there. but that was a bad idea. it was a bad idea to go among people. as i was standing at the cross walk, i seen Brittany's face in the car window, anddd it was her and my aunt Lisa and they asked what i was doing up there and i said i was meeting a friend. and then i continued walking but i was worried because i now had a flaw in my plan. but it went over well, i think. i texted my mom when i was inside the tim horton's and said that Cheyenne's dad took us to Tim Horton's. and she said ok. and then a couple minutes i said, i just seen auntie lisa. and that's about it, nothing has come up about it since.

the tim horton's was a bad idea, though. there was haggard looking men and elderly, and it smelled sour like sweat. i couldn't draw that much because i didn't feel comfortable, and i didn't stay long. i went and had a cigarette by the bus stop, but i didn't sit on the bus stop seats, i sat on a block of cement because the seats were wet. and i waited, and listened to music, and smoked and tried to feel brave and when my smoke was done, i texted Tyler and told him i got there early, and then he told me to just come in and say i was waiting for him so that's what i did... waited a couple minutes, and then he came out and whenw e were outside, he asked if i wanted to carry these 2 lemons he had. cause i guess it was for the tequila, and it was better than being in his pocket. so i did that.. we walked, talked a bit, came across a shopping cart.. he asked if i wanted to ride in it so i said kay. i climbed in and he pushed me but apparently it's hard to steer a shopping cart so after two incidents of almost going onto the road, i got out. it was fun while it lasted. actually sort of awkward. but cool. and after some walking, we got high by the train tracks on this trailor that had a little shack on it but it was boarded up. smoked a bowl. i don't really like his pipe but i felt high. on the walk, we talked about some school. yeah, some school. some classes and whatnot. also, about how oxygen can burn. i did not know this? but apparently anything can burn? oh i remember what sparked this conversation, he said "tell me something cool" so i said, "the sky is blue" and he said, "no it's not." and i said, "well, it appears to be." and then he asked if i knew why the sky was blue and i said yeah and he wanted me to tell him but i said i didn't want to say and so he told me, and that's how we got onto the topic of oxygen burning... last night i seen just how geeky he can be.

i don't really have much time to write right now because when mom is ready, i am going to stef's party. she was here earlier with her friends Elena and Erica. it was hard to remember her name but i did! they chilled here for about an hour, and we listened to music. then we got some pretty good weed. and we smoked a bowl in her pipe and then in my pipe, so we were highh. but i snorted a pill of e earlier, so i'm high off that too. weed enhanced it. it was crazy when i sniffed it, i could feel it just straight away. but that always happens, i guess. kay we're going now! peace.

hhiigghh @ 2008-07-10T14:38:00

2008-07-10T21:47:30Z

I've been doing pretty exciting things since summer started... it's cool.

Tyler wanted to hang out with me on Monday. I was hanging out with Shay, we got highh and talkedd. I told her of my weekend, she told me of hers, fun stuff.. it had been a week since we hung out. And then I asked my mom if I could sleep over at Chealsey's, and she said no. So i asked her why and she said because we always end up going to her boyfriend's but I said Kody was in Winnipeg, and then she said I could. haaaa. and i had no intention of sleeping at Chealsey's, i wanted to sleep at Tyler's. cause if i didn't, then there would be no point in going to hang out with him because i would only have to leave after an hour or so. because he didn't get off work til 10. he said he would meet me downtown. so yeah, after I hung out with Shay and stuff, I went home, and i had a couple hours to kill.. i called Lyndon but i was tired and I told him I was sleeping at Shay's, and I wanted to have a nap before hand. So i had a little nap.. I set my alarm for 9, then I got ready to leave, and i was gonee. Tyler met me at Vic Park. it was actually the first time we hung out alone, the other time was when I first met him with Carlie..

Anyway. So i was all set to sleep over at Tyler's! i had a bowl for him and I to smoke, so we were walking thru the park towards the 420 tree. And there was a group of people, mostly black people, and two came up to us and asked if we wanted to buy some weed, and we didn't, but the one guy stayed and was trying to be all solid and was like, "Why you walk around being a pussy?" to Tyler, or something.. yyeaah, and he was like, "Don't be pussy" and Tyler's like, "K." lol, kinda funny. And then we smoked weed. Talked and ssttuuff. I tried to not be nervous or shy but some things can't be helped, hah.. He was nice anyway.

We walked to the store, bought some candyy, and I forgot to pay for my lollipop and just walked out with it. But it's not like I've never stolen from there before. Anyway.. we walked back downtown and caught the bus to his house.

I don't wanna go into details! Basically, I slept over at his house and I liked it :D We watched Kung Fu Panda. and cuddled. And we had sex a few times.. and talked. I know more about him now, but not a whole lot. Just more. He complimented me.. he said I was gorgeous, cute, sexy, fine, hot... I'm not a sucker for compliments but it sure is nice to be called gorgeous! I should compliment him. hahaaaa.

We slept with his music on. I woke up a lot, cause I don't sleep in, I don't sleep much at all.. We slept with our arms and legs around each other : D Except sometimes I would turn around, and he would just hug me like that, or I would cuddle into him, or sometimes i would just stretch out and lay there. I looked at his sleeping face and examined it. Did you know that I love big lips? Not huge lips, but big lips.. and he has nice big lips : ) I like them. They're bigger than Lyndon's..

Speaking of Lyndon... we're going out, technically, because I told him so.. I said it in front of his mom so that it wouldn't seem so bad that we hugged and kissed even tho we didn't go out.. but I don't want to go out with him. Me and Cheyenne were talking the other day and I realized that... Why should I be tied down to Lyndon when I can be with other people? I know it sounds harsh but, think about it.. we're kids. We've been going out for 3 years. I am already tired of it. I don't even feel the love. I don't love him. He doesn't share my interests, or isn't interested enough in my interests and he seems to be only interested in bad things like drugs. I like drugs, but he's a fiend. I am too. But, I want someone who enjoys life, and he doesn't. We're just different but the thing is, I told him I wouldn't break up with him if he went to Calgary. Why do I say shit I don't mean? I guess it's just so natural now, with him. To say shit I don't really mean... To just lie to him. And he's caught me in a lie a couple times since he's been back.. like when Faron seen me at the mall with a boy.. and Tyler texted me on Saturday but I was sleeping and Lyndon checked it and then he asked me who it was and I said my mom. But he knew I was lying and he wanted to know why I would lie about that, and I said it was because I didn't want him to get mad at me. He got pissed off and said, "Fuck you" a lot, but it didn't affect me. He doesn't affect me at all anymore. It seems like he's just something inside me that I'm having a hard time cutting out because when I try, it's really painful and it starts to bleed, so I just sew it back up and let it scar. He's just a scar. Something that will fade over time, I guess.. a long time.. I wish I could just tell him the truth and be like, "Hey remember when Delainey and Dilfuza said I cheated on you with a guy named Calvin, and I said I didn't, well.... I actually did. For about 4 months. Andd, I'm cheating on you right now actually." God, that would break his heart. I'm scared he would kill himself. I don't trust him to not hurt himself. Cause I don't think he appreciates life. All he wants out of life is me. and I hate that!!!! I didn't think it would ever come to this but shit changes. You never know anything for sure. So I just continue with my life as if I don't have a boyfriend. That's what I tell everyone else.. that I don't have a boyfriend.. cause it doesn't make me feel good to say we're back together, makes me feel like I failed.. it's not a happy feeling...

I don't think me and Tyler will go out and if we do, it wouldn't last long.. at least, I wouldn't expect it to. Sometimes it feels like I am falling for him, but I remind myself that it's just lust. I went and hung out with him last night, anddd, boyyy, he makes me happyyy. It was raining when he walked me to the bus stop and he said, "At least I get to kiss you in the rain" and kiss me in the rain he did!! He's a basket full of cuteness. hahahahah, that was so gay. I meant to be gay like that. He's a geek, and if you didn't know this... I have a thing for geeks.. Calvin was a big geek.. but Calvin has issues. Tyler doesn't. When I first met Tyler, he reminded me of Calvin and I told Carlie this, but I couldn't figure out what it was that reminded me of him... but now I think it's how he is a geek, and how he gets really into it when we make out and stuff, and he asks me what I want.. he's a bad decision maker, like me. And he said "I suck at talking" and so do i!! He holds my hand and I really enjoy it. Yesterday when we were walking, he stopped, anddd kissed me, and I am clumsy, I lost my balance. Always losing my balance when it comes to stuff like that. He's quite a bit taller than me too. I like to hug him because I can only wrap my arms just above his waist. I like to hug him period, it's just comfy. I like his voice... I LOVE HIS EYES! I complimented him yesterday, I was staring at them and told him i liked themm.. and he said he liked mine too, and said how dark they were, and how there was a black ring around them. Anddd he likes weird music, which is a good thing! It's not really weird music, but normal people don't like it. Basically, his music taste is more like mine than Calvin's or Lyndon's.

He's not my boyfriend, and I don't think we're dating, I don't know what we are. I'll just call him my lover. Chey calls him my sex buddy, hahah. She's like, "Aww Jamie's got a sex buddyy" i guess that is what he is. I don't know, i like him though. he hasn't creeped me out and there hasn't been anything that i don't like about him except for the fact that something tells me he's bad news because of how many girls he's been with. He told me he's asked out about 7 girls. But now he just wants to take it slow. I don't think I am that girl, because we rushed into sex straight away. Unless he doesn't mean sex, he means emotionally. If that's what he means, then I could be that girl, we're going pretty slow with getting to know each other. But I'll just think of him as my summer fling. I don't know how long this will last or where we're even going but I'm enjoying my life right now.

i might sleep over at his house, if he wants me to.. i told mom i was going to sleep over at Cheyenne's. Tyler works today and he wants to drink tonight and he wants me to drink with him so i said i could if i could stay over and he said, "lol maybe" i don't know if he was teasing me or if he really didn't know. I guess we'll see! i'm supposed to hang out with Chey but.. she dropped off the face of the earth. Hasn't called me or anything since she went to get ready. When I hung out with her the other day, she put in her personal msg, "out with my bb Jam" or something, anddd it makes me feell... happy. She is a lot like me.. i've said that before. But it's really nice. I can talk to her about anything. Who have i said this about before.. it sounds familiar.. i'm thinking of Adam. i don't particularly like him anymore. i feel like being a bitch to him ever since what he did to me... just ignored me.. whatever! I got Shay!

i wish i could express myself more easily.
oh well, no use wishing.

hey i went to see a movie yesterday with Neil. he paid for me, how cute. we seen Get Smart, it was a pretty funny movie. I like stupid humor. i showed him my drawing because i drew something in like 3 or 4 hours, and i'm really proud of it.. i call it my skillzzz. yeah, i showed him, and he thought it to be amazing. He's a nice guy, i already said this, but he is more friend material. he wants me to go to his house sometime. he's gonna show me how to play All Apologies. and then he said he could go to my house sometime. maybe. i don't know what his intentions are. hahahh. he seems too nice to try anything on me.

i'm quite caught up in Tyler right now anyway. it's weird to think that i've only hung out with him 3 times.

tomorrow is Stef's party. YEAAA PARTYYY!!!! i'm gonna pop my pill. it will be sweet. Shay will be thurr. and there will be WEEEDDD. yesterday my aunties came over, with their sonss... and my auntie Rita and i pitched for a joint and smoked itt. she's one of those people that likes to talk about themselves, or just, whatever they wanna talk about it and it don't really matter what you wanna say, they don't really hear it. it's alright though. i still lubs her. i showed them all my skills. we ate mcdonald's. and then tyler texted me and asked if i wanted to hang out and i said ok, downtown, and he said when and i said now? because i went and jumped on the bus right away because i didn't wanna waste time. buuut he said he was making fries so how about 8:30 and i was like okaayyyyy, and i jsut ended up walking to meet him from downtown.

o Tyler, Tyler, get out of my head! you are not love! you are just a silly boy. well i guess it's ok for him to be in my head if he's just a silly boy, nothing serious or anything.

kkkaay well i'm gonna go. PEACE

i was standin around

2008-07-07T09:46:50Z

so i just did something exciting. i never got to hang out with Shay and get high and talk and walk. so i was at my laptop talking to people, and Lyndon called me. i talked to him. i was in a bad mood. it was one of those talks, i guess. in the end, everything was sunny skies though. i'm supposed to call him tomorrow. oh shit, but i will be at a movie.. i will call him beforehand.. yeahh. unless someone fucking sees me at the movies with Neil. i shouldn't go! why am i gong! i told him i had no money and he said he would pay! why so many boys talking to me, i need to drop them all! or just stay friends! like, whaatt is goinggg on this past week!?! i dropped a lot today though because i never met them and they were being really creepy, saying they wanted to be my boyfriend, and do things, meet me, a whole bunch of creepy things. this one guy named Stan, i gave him my number which was a bad idea. i texted him for about two or three days, and he said weird things like if i went out with him, he would try his hardest to get me off of drugs.. and he said he wanted to go out with me but i probably had a boyfriend and wouldn't want to go out with him anyway and i said, "and i don't even know you." and he was like, "that too. just friends then." then i stopped texting him, i haven't texted him since. but he still texts me about 4 times a day saying "Hi what's up" and i don't answer. then yesterday, he even CALLED! it said Stan Thompson and i didn't answer it. and then today, he messages me on Nexopia.com saying.. wait.. let me go copy it. "hay whats up i have tryed calling and texting you" and i just ignored his username. he's also blocked and deleted. i hope he stops texting. fuck. stalker!

there was also a person named Andrew, he was 19. today he said "luv u" and i'm like, wtf? you don't know what love is, you don't even know me, what. the. hell? it was too much for me, i erased him too. i still talk to Neil... he's 16, he is.. alright, he has a thing for me mostly likely.. fuck sakes. what did i get into!?? i didn't realize guys were so stupid and straightforward and.. perverted.. and.. creepy.. at least, people i don't know. i am never going to talk to someone i don't know again, over the internet. unless my friend introduces them.. man...

ANYWAY, that's not even the exciting thing i was going to write about, that's just the creepy shit that's happened to me this past week.

after i talked to Lyndon, i went back on my computer.. Carlie told me how upset she was about me and Tyler doing it while she was right there and couldn't i tell that she liked him a little and wasn't i with lyndon and i didn't even know this guy. and she cried about it yesterday before going to see her cousin. i apologized many times. many times, and i was sincere. i even cried. woah, i cried. it was hurtful. i started to think about the world and it's shittiness. we treat each other badly, so involved with ourselves, so fucked up. we are all fuck ups and the ones who think they aren't aren't are in denial. or they truly are good people. i want to be a good person but i sin often. but who's to say what a sin is or not? who's to say there was a God? a Jesus? can't i do as i please? i suppose i should just do what feels right. i've heard that before.. i wanted to rely on it but it was quickly forgotten. i really need to start taking control and saying no and only doing what i feel is right with my heart.. but people aren't perfect.. for now, it's just an attempt.

getting carried away. i always get carried away.

i was talking to Christian and Neil on MSN, and then i packed a bowl and took Shady outside and smoked it. then i went inside and i was pleasantly high.. i started to talk to Rhett. oh i said, "are you drunk yet?" cause earlier he was asking me for a pull. i was just kidding but it started a conversation because i said, "i would invite you to smoke a bowl but i am still uncertain about that" and eventually, we both decided to sneak out and meet at Campbell. i heated up my KFC fries from earlier because i couldn't eat them. KFC was all i ate today, basically. i told my mom get me a Crispy Twister, and iced tea. and i almost ate all of the twister, but not quite.. and i ate a few fries and saved them. then i saved my fries til 2 hours ago... man. my stomach must be pretty small right now. anyway. i was talking to Tyler on MSN.. i told him i was supposed to hang out with Shay but hadn't heard from her. and he said, "you should have came and got high with me :P" he said it would have been fun. and i said, "maybe lol" and he said "then i probably would have tried making out with you:P" and i said, "and i probably would have let you..." and he said, ":O" and i said, "yea right, you're not shocked lol" and he said, "lol maybe i am" and then he said, "if you were here, we would probably be scuddling right now." and he actually said scuddling but i'm pretty sure he meant cuddling and i said, "probably" i was only being honest.. i know what i would want to do.. and yeah, then he said, "come over, jk haha" and i said, "hah.." and he said, "anyways, tell me something bout yourself" and i said, "i would if i had more time but i have to go meet rhett. we're gonna get high. that's something about me. i'm a stoner lol." and he said, "lol that's sweet, me too" or something and i said, "yeah. i will ttyl" or something and he said, "txt me" and i said, "k. pce."

then i walked to meet Rhett. we got there at the same time basically, and there was no one around and for a minute, i was going to suggest getting high in the street but he said, "let's go get high on the roof" so i said ok. he said "nice pajamas. you look like shit. just kidding, just kidding" i'm just going to take his word. i didn't care anyway. so we went and discussed how we sneaked out and how we hoped we wouldn't get caught. and i had trouble with climbing the wall like he showed me to. i did everything he did and then i couldn't figure out how to swing my leg up without falling and breaking my leg. so i jumped down. it was a cool jump, it was high and didn't hurt. then he found a much easier way by climbing the fence with barbwire on top. we got high on the roof. he said he should have brought his swimming trunks. and i was just like, yeah.. he wanted me to go swimming with him. but i was thinking he wanted to strip down and i wasn't wearing a bra and then i realized i didn't have to take my shirt off. but i was still uncertain, and hadn't made a decision. i thought that i couldn't strip down, just couldn't, because i was shy about showing skin. but now that i think about it, i show more skin wearing a bathing suit. we climbed down. checked out the water. he asked again if i would go in, and i still felt like i couldn't.. so i changed the subject and said, "wanna smoke a bowl?" and so i packed one, and we went to the other side to smoke it, then he checked out a spot around the corner and poked his head and said, "come over to this spot" or something and it was trippy. and i told him he was weird. soo we got high.. then we did a walk around the pool. he pointed out how the water was filled right to the top.. you couldn't understand unless you were there. then we went and found a hole in the fence on the other side, and it was the perfect size. it was so easy to get in and out. so then he asked again if i would go swimming. and i thought. i said i don't know. eventually i said, "i will if you will." i asked him if he did it before and he said yes, a lot. so yeah, i kept telling him i would after he did. and i meant it. he had to convince himself that i meant it. and then we started to strip down, and he ran and jumped in. then i walked over, and used the ladder to get in.. it was quite warm.. i was cold when getting used to it but it was nice afterwards. we kept our distance, and swam around, like man, we had the whole pool to ourselves, i just realized. it was pretty sweet!!! it was 2:13 when we decided to swim, and then it was2:20 before i decided to get out. so we didn't swim for long.. but it felt like a good time. and then we ran to our clothes, it was quite cold.. and he said, "i wish i was a guy. i mean, i wish you were a guy! i'm going to go over there and change" and then i just put my pajama pants and hoodie back on, and i was good to go, felt warm already. then i asked if he wanted to have a smoke and he said yes, and we went over by the change rooms to have it. and he was asking what i would do if the police came with dogs and chased us. and he said the police brought a dog when he got arrested once and i asked him what happened, and it was a fine story. happened last october. and thenn we decided it was time to go. went through the hole, and wondered about what would happen if we were caught going back inside.. i walked on the street back home, because there was more light and i had to tell myself the shadows were my friends. yeahhhh... and to think, it was only a 7 minute walk. prolly less. i opened my door as quielty and quickly as i could, and closed it the same way and i was surprised that Shady didn't bark... no one awoke... all went well!! yes!! then i quickly changed into dry clothes, went on computer, Rhett said, "that was fun" and he didn't get caught either, annddd yeahhh. i am so going to bed right now!!! it was a GOOD NIGHT, sneaking out is fun.

they would get awayyy.. running around!

2008-07-06T20:41:16Z

you could say i have a lot to write about...
um, what happened Wednesday? i actually can't even remember much from this past week.
i started talking to a guy named Michael on Wednesday night, i think. yeah, but that's not really important.
OH YEAH! Now I remember what I'm missing.
on Thursday, i went to the mall and i met this guy named Neil.. we started talking on Nex, and then on MSN, and yeah. he wanted to meet me and for some reason i agreed. i took the bus there, and i was standing outside having a smoke.. then this guy notices me and says, "hey do you have a smoke i can buy??" and i said yeah, and he gave me 50 cents.. but he didn't go away after that, no, he decided he would hit on me. he shook my hand and said his name was Eldin, and said, "if you don't me saying, you're a little hottie" or something like that.. and i was just like, thanks.. he asked how old I was and i said 15, and he said, you look a lot older, i just turned 19. and then he asked what school i went to and i think i ended up telling him how i went to Newfoundland, and uuuhh, i keep losing my train of thought.. he said he was going to go home and drink a cooler and he was gonna see if I wanted to come but i told him i was meeting a friend, and he asked me for my number and i said, "um.. i don't think so" and he said, "not a good idea?" and i'm just like, "no." and then he said i was a little cutie, and then i said i was going inside and he said, "okay, it was nice meeting you, i wish i could be your boyfriend!" and shook my hand and i'm just like, "yea, ha.. ha....." and walked away and said to myself, "oh my god..." CREEPY PEOPLE!!!! i was flattered that he found me attractive but mostly, just, creeped out. i was wearing my new black plaid shorts and a black long sleeve sweater.. my legs are just too sexy? hahah

anyway so i walked in the mall and.. i seen this guy.. Carlie talked about him on MSN once, about how he was so hot and his eyes were so bluuee, and she wouldn't stop gushing and it annoyed me, & she showed me his Nexopia profile and i was like, "he's alright, he looks haggard though." then he messaged me cause he's got Plus so he seen that i looked.. i gave him my e-mail and never heard from him since, but he wasn't online for awhile, so yeahhhh. anyway, i seen him at the mall. we locked eyes, and yeah, i kept seeing him around during the day. his eyes are pretty intense. his name is Tyler. he walked in a weird way.. i figured out, he turns his foot in a bit. and i told Carlie later on that he looked lost, haha. but i seen him go up these 2 girls, so yeeaahh.

anyway, i met Neil. he's normal. he's not my type either, but he's pretty nice, he could be a good friend. i think he likes me though. and he wants to hang out with me again. i said i would but when i think about it, i don't want to. i'm weird like that. people make me anxious. he was easy to talk to but.. my frigging bra strap went undone like as soon as i met him, so i had to walk like that for the rest of the day.. we went outside and walked too and it was hot and he said i should take my sweater off and i couldn't cause then they would notice my bra.. so it sucked!! there isn't much to say about us, we just talkedd andd oh yeah, we were walking, then these two girls notice us, and i thought they knew Neil, and the black one is like, "Hi" and i'm like, "Hi" and they didn't say anything except um, so we kept walking and it was just.. just unnecessary. They had a piece of paper, like they had something to sell or say, but they didn't, so they SUCK! hahah..

i took the bus to Lyndon's at 4:40.. and he seemed down or something, and he wouldn't tell me what was wrong til we were in his room, then he was like, "Faron said she seen you at the mall with a guy and that you weren't holding hands but she thought she would tell me" andd i was all like, "She thinks Shay looks like a guy!?" I had to keep lying and get mad and act like everyone was always saying bad shit about me to get him to break up with me, and blah blah... I don't know what else to say about it, I know that I'm a liar, and he shouldn't believe me, i wish he could see the devil inside me.. it's got way more control than the angel.. there's nothing else i can say. we hung out, and stuff.. smoked a gram in a joint before i had to take the bus home.

Friday sucked. Frinight did not. i thought that Carlie and i were going to hang out and go to the mall in the day but then she told me she had to babysit. Lyndon went to the east end and I didn't really want to go there, but I was really bored, and Shay had to babysit too.. i just put myself in a bad mood, thinking of my boredom.. i took a bowl from my mom and took Shady for a walk to smoke it.. cheered myself up.. i decided i still wanted to hang out with Carlie, and i had to wait til her mom got home, and then i had to wait for my mom to get back from Wal-Mart, then we got rides to the mall. we looked around in storress, and i got 2 shirts cause mom gave me some money to get something i liked. one is a blue boy tank and the other is a green tube top, its pretty cute. her mom picked us up at 9, and we went to her house, and i had taken some alcohol from my mom and she took some vodka from her sister and we went and sat by the bike path and just talked, drinking. she knew Tyler's number so i texted him saying it was her.. he asked if we wanted to hang out after work.. we were for it. we planned to sneak out.. meet him halfway somewhere.. we used the internet and found directions.. you could say we were desperate, but all we wanted was an adventure.. she said Jessica still had a mickey so we went and talked to her, and she actually gave it to us fo freeeeee! it wasn't full, but it wasn't half empty eitherr. so yeah! we were set! went back to her house, she let me change into some of her skinny jeans, and we jumped out her bedroom window. then we jumped her fence, it hurt, and my purse fell on the other side, so she had to go get it, but yeahh.. then we were on our way!!! i guess we were drunk, hahh.. a good drunk tho. a functional drunk.

there was a lightning storm going on in the direction we were headed, i thought that was cool. we walked very fast cause we wanted to get there asap. we were all fuckn sweaty cause it was so humid outside. shoulda stuck to my shorts. and i wasn't wearing a bra because i took it off because i thought we were goin to bed earlier, haha. oh, also, before we left, Tyler was like, "i kinda just got a ride home, do you wanna hang out another time" and me and Carlie were like WTF, no!!! and i said you suck! and then i asked Carlie if she wanted to go to his house and she said ok, so i asked him if we could go there and said surree. So yeah, we were headed to his house. we took a little break and started to take shots and she took a lot, jeez, o well. then he called us and asked where we were, and he came walking to meet us halfway. and we started getting nervous and i seen a figure up ahead, walkin on the road and i knew it was him, and i was all Carlie that's him, that's him, hahah.. fuck. i get nervous thinking about it.

i've been writing for a long time. since 11:46, and it's 2 now. man.

anyway, so.. we met him... how can i describe how this went? Carlie talked a lot. i don't talk a lot, y'know me. they seen people they knew at 7-Eleven, stopped to talk to them. Carlie was like, "this is my cousin Jamie!" and the one guy was like, "no way, this is my cousin Jamie!" and he asked how i spelt mine but it was different, his is Jaime. and i thought to myself, it makes no sense to spell it that way, it would be like Jame.. you know? lol.. Carlie's friend Erin was there anyway, and Daren, and a long-haired dude with his cousin Jamie. thennn they were gonna go get high so we continued walking.. Carlie kept on talking a lot. to be honest, i don't remember much of what was said.. we got to his house.. went downstairs. two people sittin on the couch, i waved, the guy waved. we went into his room.. bed in corner, clothes on floor, messy dresser, 3 posters, As I Lay Dying, Queens Of The Stone Age and some band that i didn't know but Carlie did. Carlie sat on bed, i sat on floor, he sat on bed..

somehow it was decided to try and get rez hoots.. he had a pipe, we passed it around, then he went and got his friend Tasha to try and get some rez out of it. so we was all in his room, and i had climbed onto bed at some point. we all talkeddd and yeaahh, it was alright, good timess. they went out and started watching Predator so we joined them.. but we started to fall asleep because it got boring. he noticed and we went into his room. i took my contacts out and put my glasses on and went and laid on his bed. he told me i looked good with glasses. it made me smile, no one's ever said that, haha.. i wear my contacts all the time now. he asked if we wanted to watch a movie and we picked Alice in Wonderland. so yeah, he got blankets and stuff, and we laid there with him in the middle and watched the movie... Carlie told me he knows he's hot shit. it's obvious now.. it's not that he's cocky, it all goes unsaid..

him and Carlie got close and were cuddling and it made me jealous and i didn't want to be there. i had those green thoughts going thru my head. eventually i asked her for a smoke, and she gave me one and i laid there, inhaling deeply.. i just needed something to do and it seemed to make it ok for a few minutes. then i wanted another but i went and laid on the floor this time and took one of mine. the light was starting to shine through the window.. early morning. and me, laying on his cold floor, smoking, realizing how weak my smokes really were.. and then getting sick of smoking.. but getting all poetic inside my head. i don't know how to describe how i was feeling. but the movie ended pretty soon after that. and then Tyler got up to get some blankets and stuff, and i just went and stole his spot. it's where i was laying before, but he was all, "you stole my spot!" and i'm like, "what are you gonna do?" andd yeahh.

Carlie basically went to sleep. and Tyler was.. trying to get close to me.. i mean, we were laying right next to each other. i can't write about it anymore, he's on MSN now, i feel weird, hahah.. i will come back and edit this...

welll i have thought a bit about life, and about what i did, and how Carlie feels about it and i am BAD person! i do NOT feel like writing about it anymore, it is safer in my head!! i should punish myself because i never get any sort of punishment for the bad shit that i do, i just hurt people and lie about it!! fuck. i'm not trying to feel sorry for myself, i'm trying to... oh what am i even trying to do... i should stop talking to Tyler, stop lying to Lyndon, stop hurting people, and try to.. oh FUCK what do I TRY to DO? i need to think about life more...

this is a subject

2008-07-01T18:20:14Z

On Sunday.. i felt weird from the E.. i stole some whiskey from mom, made a drink, and took a nice bath : ) i went and hung out with Lyndon. we didn't do much.. my grandpa picked us up and dropped him off in the east end at Jameson's. none of his family members will let him stay with them.. so he stayed at Jameson's for two nights but he's going to his dad's in Semans today.. and we're gonna go see a movie. i think we're gonna see Hancock but i don't know, he wanted to see if it played any earlier.. it starts at 7:20. there's probably going to be a big line up. oh well!!

anyway, then i went & hung out with Shay. my mom gave me sum weeddd, i told her to take it off my allowance, ahah.. i don't think she will, she's nice like that, she loves me : ) and i went & got Shay high. we did our usual thing, walked to the swings : )

i didn't sleep that night. this guy messaged me on Nex, and we started talking on MSN.. and we just ended up talking to each other all night. he's alright. not badd.. pretty coool.. hard to get to know someone on MSN though. we just kinda flirted, stupidly. he said he would get me high any time. he said he'll smoke me up so that i won't even know where i am. i was like, suresure. and he said, i'm not joking. so uuuh, he thinks he has good stuff. i'll have to find out sometime. get myself raped. haha, just kidding.. i think his name is Andrew. he's um, 19. 3 years older than me. we'll leave it at that.

so i stayed up until 8:30, then i went to sleep until 11. not much sleep. i had a cup of coffee though, and i was ok for the day. it was way too hot outside yesterday. Shay came over around 3. we sat outside in the sun, and we went for a walk and smoked a roach bowl, except for we had to go back and look for her lighter.. we didn't find it so i borrowed mom's. then we smoked the bowl. we chilled in my room for a bit, boredd, talking to people on MSN & shit. then we decided to drink some coke and eat some pie but we got distracted because my mom was having a nap and Ken wasn't here so we took 2 smokes and went outside and smoked them. then we decided to get ready and go take some pictures. soooo, we did that, & went to the park, & took some awesome pictures and got some rez hoots, ahah. : ) then the mosquitoes started to attack us, & we went to my house and ate some pie, & i let her borrow my hoodie i got from London so she wouldn't get eaten on her walk home.

and then i edited our pics, & went to bed at 12:30 or something. i had a nice good sleep but i had a bad dream about zombies trying to kill us, and trying to save myself and then i knew it was a dream because i just wanted it to end. i wanted them to kill me, but i was too scared. yyeaahhh..

and i feel nice and refreshed today! sort of. i need a shower. that's what i'm going to do, Lyndon hasn't texted me today yet. he's supposed to come over, but i have to meet him downtown. but i just fucking checked the bus site, and there's no buses running on Canada Day. UGH! NOW WHAT?!!? fuuuck.. bye!

sore body

2008-06-29T18:06:03Z

i slept a long time.. 11 hours.. i stayed up til 3am on Friday.. i even took Shady for a short walk to the swings but it was too cold.. so went back to the house, and Shady went and woke up Ken so Ken thought he had to go outside, & took him out & when he took him back in, he saw that i was still awake and told me to go to bed.

Shady's whining because there's someone here and i won't let him out of the room. it's a cop, and they're discussing the night that Glen & Ken had a dispute. it was more than a dispute, but i wanted to use that word. anyway, he came to get their statements. i hope i don't have to write one. i'm burnt out.. from e..

yesterday morning, mom had left before i got up, and when i went to take a shower, Ken said i wasn't going anywhere today. i asked him why and he said my mom would talk to me about it when she got back. i got angry, but i didn't talk back.. i texted my mom instead: "why can't i go out? when are you coming home?" and she said: "what are you talking about? i'll be home shortly" and yehh, when she got home, she made me sit down and she told me the dangers of doing E, and she's never done it so she doesn't know what it feels like, and she said she never wants me to do it again, and when she asked me if i had anything to say, i said, "i will never do it again." which was a straight up lie because i had one more that i intended to do on Sunday (today). Lyndon was texting me and wanted me to go meet him in the east end, that is where he was. he stayed the night at Jameson's. so i did.. i got there at 2:30, he met me at 7-11. then we walked to Jameson's, and inside, we were quiet. Lyndon packed a bowl & rolled a joint.. we smoked them.. still remained quiet.. unsure of why. made small conversation. listened to 2Pac. and then we ate some pizza, it was good. then we left to go meet Jason. & we were a trio, plus Jameson, again :D good times. we sat on the bench, and thought of what we could do. Jason said he would buy some E, and buy one for Jameson, but then he would have to pay him 5 bucks eventually. Jameson wasn't sure. he never did E before. i was thinking of taking mine if they all did. then we suggested that Jason get a big bottle of water, so we went to his house.. he had a huge computer monitor. Lyndon passed me a random piece of.. not sure what.. bread, with stuff in the middle, it was good.. we sat in his living room, then he said he was going to Burger King, and so we waited in the hills for him.. threw pine cones at each other here & there.. smoked a bowl.. he came back, with big bottle of water. he popped his. then Lyndon. and then Jameson. and then there was me, sketching out about my mom knowing.. but i did it anyway. then we went to Jameson's, i got Lyndon's sweater, and Jason met us there few minutes after, and we left right away. we were unsure of where to go, we just walked into the sun but then we decided to go to Alexa's.. me and Jason played some Rock Band. we all started tripping out there. Alexa didn't want us tripping out there tho. when it was just Jameson & i there, i asked him where his girlfriend was and he said he didn't know and he didn't want to know. i asked if she would get mad that he did E and he said yes. he's not going to tell her.

new paragraph. we had blade hoots in the small kitchen downstairs, it was trippy. Jason was tripping the hardest out of all of us. he took 2. he was being a creep, talking about fucking girls & shit. we were just all like, keep it to yourself, we don't wanna kno. and he was all, you guys just aren't open enough about sex. or something. but no, he was being creepy. he even told Alexa that her boobs were too distracting. he had talked about it earlier, how she always wears shirts that show cleavage, but she wasn't really this time, and just.. yeah.. what an idiot. she was like, "they're just boobs." so true!

we left there after blade hoots.. we went to.. where we did we went to? Chealsey's. we walked there thru Coleman Park, quite nice. it is nice to do E in the day time, i told Jason. and he said, "yeaaa, if i had done this at night, i wouldn't have seen all of all of this!" on one tree, all the leaves were moving on it, but not on any other tree, it was cool. we got to Chealsey's.. stood in front of her door.. talked a bit.. she was waiting for Kody. Jameson and Jason left to go to Ferguson, we were to meet up with them after we got Kody.. stupid Chealsey. in the house, we smoked a bowl, and earlier at Alexa's, i mentioned that i had 2 smokes cause Jason and Lyndon were fiending.. so yeah, at Chealsey's, he asked for a smoke, and then when we were outside, fucking Chealsey said, "so Lyndon knows you smoke now?" and i said, "no. i don't smoke. i was just selling them.." and then Lyndon of course didn't believe me, and Chealsey said "well this is awkward" and i didn't say anything.. we were sitting on the corner, and we must have looked suspicious cause people kept staring.. one van drove by, and the guy was just smiling like a creeper.. i had a feeling he was racist.. anyway, Kody came eventually, and we all started to walk.. Lyndon said, "so you smoke now" and i said "only with her sometimes.." and he was just disappointed and i also told him i did with Shay, and he said, "i don't know why you would want to smoke" and i said, "i don't either" so i think i'm just going to completely quit. fuck it! i don't need to, i never did before, it doesn't even feel good, it's just dirty.. so no more smoking from now on. i had one to myself downtown yesterday, but before that, last time i smoked was Wednesday.

k soo yeah, we went to Ferguson.. Dilfuza ran up to Lyndon and hugged him. then she said to me, "what's wrong with Lyndon?" and i said, "i don' t know. he's on E." and she said, "he didn't seem very happy to see me." i just said, "oh. well. maybe he's just high." i don't know. but we went by the steps, and Breanna came, and i don't really like her. meh. i went and stood by Lyndon and Jameson. eventually we left.. me, Lyndon, Jameson and Jason.. we went to.. Jason's house. it was trippy there. there was A.J's friends there, some white guys and black guys and.. Cheeso came in the living room and was like, "is that Lyndon" and he remembered Lyndon but he didn't remember me, he said, "is that your girl" and Jason was like, "yeah, you don't remember his little girlfriend, Jamie? they been going out for a loooong time" and Cheeso said, "well she looks grown up from when i last seen her." or something like that, but basically it sounded like he was hitting on me.. and when he walked away Jason said, "ooo, black man tryin to steal your girl Lyndon" and i just said, "shut up Jason" i was tripping out tho. i didn't really react a whole lot to anything they said, i felt weird. and then Jodie was there once again, and she said heyy, and was talking to me, and then all of a sudden Elaina was there and said, "what are you doing here?" and i didn't answer, but the thought that came to my head was, what do you mean what am i doing here, Jason is my bro. but i don't know her too well, she's Stefani's friend, and i don't like her a whole lot. she asked if i knew where Stef was and i said no, but i should have been like, "with Shay" cause maybe it would have made her jealousss. hah. i don't know.

we all left at 9:40 tho, they walked me to 7-Eleven to catch the bus.. i had to go home early cause mom was mad that i did e. i was sketching out, trying to act sober, trying to be able to focus on one thing.. bus ride was trippy.. at least i had music.. i don't really like people, they're pretty mean to each other.. i wish we could just.. live in harmony. how sweet would that be!?!?! but the world is too fucked up.. anyway, mom and Ken weren't at home when i got here, such a relief.. i read.. and then i started to fall asleep.. then i tried to stay awake til mom got home, then i went to sleep right away. she thought i just got really high, and i did smoke a lot of weed to mellow out, but i was more high on e.. at least you can go to sleep on e..

mmmkaayyy, i gotta go take the dog out and.. get a shower, i guess.. and i'm gonna go see Lyndon i guess, if he ever fucking goes home.. ok. bye.

so if must faulter, be wise!

2008-06-28T07:06:05Z

i'm fucked on E right now. clenchin & sweatin. i got to stop clenching, i got to relax... i parachuted a pill at 8, then i popped another one around 9:30, cause i wasn't feeling the first one. ooomg, if mom goes to bed, i wanna sneak out & go to the swings.. ahah. maybe i shouldn't. that's a gay thing to do alone. and i could get caught.... that'd be hilarious, "N WHERE DO U THINK UR GOING?" me: "...to the swings?" hahah. k, my mom knows i'm on E. i told her. she's never done it before, and it scares her, and she always told me to never do it, when i already had.. but she came into my room when i got home and asked what was wrong with my eyes, they must have been darting everywhere, and i said nothing. and she said, "are u sure?" and said, "yes" and she said "ok then.." but i knew she didn't believe me, so i just called her back and said i was on E. and she said, "what? y'd u do that?" and i said, "i dunno.." and she said, "do u feel okay?" and i said, "yea" and she seen my water bottle and said, ok well it's good u have water. hahh.. Lyndon's family knew something was up with him too. cause my eyes are almost black, so u cant tell when my pupils are dilated but it sucks for him cause he's got green eyes. so his mom was like, "holy, why are your eyes so black? do u feel okay? maybe you should go to a doctor. you shouldn't be goin out. are you sure you're okay?" and then in the car, they started talkin about drug addictions, and bout bad things that happen, & i confided bout my auntie, and i can't remember clearly what she said, but she said, "crack's bad, but so is E" and that's how i know she knew.

my throat is trying to throw shit up now. maybe its the paper towel from parachuting. i won't let it happen!! i've never thrown up on e!

Lyndon's mom said 2 things to me today that were very straight-forward.. Lyndon came over and hugged me and we were all in the spare room, and she was like, "so are you guys dating or what?" and i nodded. she's like, "boyfriend and girlfriend?" and i nodded. and she's like, "sheesh, you guys need to make up your mind" and then San's like, "they don't need to make up their minds, they're just kids!" and Lyndon said it was me that needed to make my mind up, and she said, "oh it's her? then it's okay." ahah, she's sexist sometimes.

another thing she said, when we were in the garage, & Lyndon went inside, she said, "so what made you start wearing make up?" and i said, "umm.. i dunno. it makes me look prettier." and she's like, "is it hard for you to put it on?" and i said, "no, my sister showed me how & that's why i started wearing it." then we talked a little more about make up before Lyndon and San came in & they drove me home. Lyndon's in the east end now. i was gonna go there but i didn't really want to, too much of a hassle. it's him that needs to go there, and he's on e, he'll be happy with everyone he sees. but me, i'm kinda mad at Chealsey. i was just thinking to myself about how she jacked my pipe, and didn't tell me.. that's not a mistake, she knew what she was doing, & then she tells me to talk to Kody & Kraig about it? i'm pissed at Kody too. but i said to her on MSN, "i'm kinda pissed that u guys tried jackin my pipe.." and she's like, "wtf" and i said, "yea, i wouldnt do that to you.." and she said, "wtf why r u tryin to get mad about it now" and i was gonna tell her that i was actually thinking about it, and it wasn't right, but i knew she wouldn't get it either way, so i just said, "i dunno, nevermind"

still been clenching teeth.
can't stop.. should i dance alone in my room?
i dont feel like writing anymore. goooodbye.